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[22 Jun 2004|04:01pm] |
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sooo i got up at 9 today and went to the doc. they did an EKG and then a sonagram it was madd gangster seein my heart beat like that lol wierd shit. i think about 5 ppl saw my boobs today too it was so wierd ah. well yea its 'Superventricular Tachycardia' yup lol so yea then we had to go to westchester to get this heart monitor that i have to wear for 30 days. and its annoying as hell but w/e and the doc like yelled to me about how i cant have caffine, he was like "NOT A SIP OF SODA OR A BITE OF CHOCLATE OR NETHIGN!" lol sure.. but yea... uhmm he was like that if it happens and it ever lasts more than 20 minutes i have to go to the emergency room and get a shot to stop it, that scared me lol but yea... hmm what else... i think thats pretty much it, i didnt get home til fuckin 1 o clock shittt.. and now its 4. my mom is working tonighttt... and she finally showed me her belly button caz i told her i woudlnt show her my thing unless she showed me hers lol she got it pierced and it doesnt look that bad. haha. uhm i dunno what im gunna do the rest of the day but hopefully it wont suck, lol pe@ce
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[21 Jun 2004|11:30pm] |
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well well well. last night was toooo funny. andrea, will never be looked at the same i dotn think by anyone. lol it was cool tho. fun fun fun. what else... uhmmm saw a beautiful mind toniht, it was good. lookin like the civic tour on saturday so tahts fun lol thats dashboard, thrice, and the get up kids... and 'special guests'.. i have no idea what else... tomaro im goin to see about that thing in my chest that beats sometimes... i think its broken... lolol that sounds funny. but yea its been pretty gay and im probly gunna have to be wearin a heart monitor for like a month or some shit and that should be real fun at concerts and withthe thigys melting on me ayy lol well thats at 9 so early morning tomaro and who knows after that i have a fews options so it should be an interesting day... im gunna lay down now til i get sleepy and thatll be that. goodnight fuckinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn fucks?
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[20 Jun 2004|02:56pm] |
well... its been a while once again. Uhm whats been goin on? My mom was really mad at me, the madest shes like ever been b/c i left my bro n sis home for 5 minutes alone. i get y shes mad, but she woouldnt even talk to me, at all. Uhm that was on like, tuesday.
On wednesday i bought a cable modem b/c erica's broke and she had to take it back. It didnt work, and im the biggest like, retard b/c i lost the reciept so yea, thats 80 dollars for nothing. hmm.
Uhm i only have one more final left... tomaro at 7. then im done. tueday is my doc's appointment :/.
Last night was DFP. It was awesome, but not as great as expected. At like 2:30 it started on a small stage on the side of the actual thing... we were like, pretty close for the first band [Vertigo Blue]... they were pretty sucky... then Midtown came on and by that time me n mary were one row behind the baracade. They were ok... Then TBS! we got to the front and they were awesome n we stayed in the front for them, story of the year, and new found glory. we were so close it was aweosme and we touched, haha yea we touched something funny. but yea it was fuckin awesome mary got like killed and bloody lol. shes madd tough. Thennn we saw brand new, beatsie boys, uhm cypress hill. Jay-Z popped outta nowhere and the strokes and that all was pretty boring bc we were sitting. yea so i guess thats all ride home sucked.. marys house talk and sleep.
I came home today at like, 12:30... and noone was here then my mom came home a lil while later andddd shes acting like everythings ok!! lol it was wierd.. shes was like, im trusting you to watch your brother tonight it was crazy since what happened. lol but yea... im glad shes semi over what happened. Tongiht is marys brothers graduation party.. andd thats all i dunno im gunna get going. OH JORDAN GOT BOOTLEG HARRY!! YAY!!! pe@ce lol
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[14 Jun 2004|05:33am] |
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Make it a note to take your pills, she said...
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| helloooo |
[13 Jun 2004|08:51pm] |
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well well well... i feel. refreshed. lol. Ok i sat around all day from like 10 to 3, then i went to nikoles house. i alwyas forget how nice it is to be out after a night of hiding in my room. lol sux. but yea. it was nice. a couple times she was like, weirdo why r u just standing there smiling, lol. its nice not to be "mad at the world" for a lil while. lol well it was fun... and like always whenevr i get home from nikoles i have writing all over me, lol. But yea oh and this time! haha i have fuckin eyeliner down my eyes i put it as a joke but i foundout its waterproof lol i dunno how im gunna get it off. ah lol. o well it looks retarted, which is, fitting. lol. hmm what else. o on my way i say like a hald way down southpark sign i think im gunna go get it later if im up to it, and i also saw herpes lol... omg i just remembered i had to tell mary something funny lol it hink thats it. launrdy tongiht, tomaro early for my shit, wow i start to not make sense towards the end of these things, ah o well bye
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[13 Jun 2004|01:02pm] |
Im going Im going Im going and im so fuckin excited!! yayayayay... only 6 days!!
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[13 Jun 2004|05:32am] |
Yea well its 5:32 and I'm awake. Thats what going to sleep at fuckin 8 the night b4 does. Im so fuckin stupid. w/e. I just chnaged my journal again... its so plain, but i like it, and i think im gunna leave it.
i have to do something with myself. i hate when i get upset, so upset that i dont wanna leave my house, bc then im just miserable all fuckin day. im supposed to go see harry potter in imax with jordan today, but i dunno if im gunna go, im not in the mood to see anyone, and pretend to fuckin laugh caz just the thought of that right now makes me wanna throw up.
i dont know what the hell im gonna do now... noones gunna be up for another like... 7 fuckin hours. today is sunday and then monday is the last day of school. jesus christ this summer is going to be the worst fuckin expierence of my life. I need to get a fuckin gallon of nyquil. i had the crazyiest dream about mary last night, and usually i dont remember them, but this one i do... very much so... and i'd post about it, but im not going to embarrass her like that, bc god forbid someone read it, and was reading this fast, and didnt know i was talking about a dream, that'd be so grose. lol. but yea i guess ill tell her whenever i talk to her, ah yucky...
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[12 Jun 2004|02:51am] |
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i havent really written about anything in a long time. actually i dont think ive ever really written about anything ever, anything that mattered anyways. I dont know why i ever started capitolizing my i's, i HATE capitol i's so much. whats wrong with me? what have i become? i wish that i felt the way i do right now, every second of every day, bc then things would be a lot easier on everyone, right now i feel ok, i feel like i can act the way i really want to and do what i should do, and everytime i feel like this im like, ok im fine, this is how its gunna be. but then, i duno its like all that im feeling now, just disapears... i wish i could say its gunna be different, but i guess as long as i doubt myself it never will be. i have absolutley no self disapline and i think thats one of my biggest problems. i dunno, i have saturday detention tomaro and since im trying to work on this " i cant just do whatever the fuck i want to " thing, im going to bed and im actually going. goodnight.
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[11 Jun 2004|11:09pm] |
Shits mad fuckin gay and i havent been writing bc of that but w/e ill try not to think of it. 3 more days of school and thats not cool but at leats theres summer school which i def will be attending, ah. but yea... uhm. Show girl is back in action so t hats always fun. andddd id unno dont wanna go into detail bnow but i know i will this weekedn bc its gunna be dull as hell and i have cable interent now. hmm THANk YOU ERICAAA. goodnight fuck
Everything you've got doesn't really mean a lot when everything goes wrong. Everything goes wrong. I don't want to think about it. Seems like all the walls are falling down around my feet and... Here I am just picking up the pieces. All alone just picking up the pieces. Here I am just picking up the pieces. I don't want to.
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| holy shit |
[10 Jun 2004|10:44pm] |
holy shit i found the awesomest song in the entire world bc marys name is in it haha im so happy i cant wait to hear it look at the lyrics...
Mary belongs to the words of a song. I try to be strong for her, try not to be wrong for her. But she will not wait for me, anymore, anymore. Why did I say all those things before? I was sure.
((she is the one)) but I have a purpose,
((she is the one)) and I have to fight this,
((she is the one)) a villian I can't knock down.
I see your face with every punch I take, and every bone I break, it's all for you. And my worst pains are words I cannot say, still I will always fight on for you.
Mary's alive in the bright New York sky, the city lights shine for her, above them I cry for her. Everything's small on the ground below, down below. What if I fall, then where would I go, would she know?
((she is the one)) all that I wanted,
((she is the one)) and I will be haunted,
((she is the one)) this gift is my curse for now.
I see your face with every punch I take, and every bone I break, it's all for you. And my worst pains are words I cannot say, Still I will always fight on for you. Fight on for you ...
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[10 Jun 2004|06:55am] |
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Today should be fuckin amazing. we called anothony last nigt and he might come ::crosses fingers:: omg im so fuckin exiteted WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO :):) TReeeeee dayyyyyyyyy ahahaha
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[10 Jun 2004|12:04am] |
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bla bla bla same old shit... i feel liek i got something off my chest tongiht tho... sleep i guess bla bla school. but friday is yaya lol wierdo goodnight
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[09 Jun 2004|07:04pm] |
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I guess im a bad kid. I cut.. i dont do good in school. i guess i just dont give a shit enough. I duno i was always half way aware of everything but i guess i just figured id grow out of it or itd go away eventually. I guess it never did bc i just didnt care... but thats a problem in itself, i guess it just realy shows how much a care about myself. And until now it hasnt effected anyone but myself... But now that i see thats its not just me im douing this too i have to change something... or everything really. I cant beleieve what i did and i hate myself for it... but the only way to stop what i did, or give myself another chnace is to pick myself up and go. im such a fuckin loser.
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| wowowowowow |
[01 Jun 2004|12:35am] |
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Wow friday night was REDICULIS id go through it but i dont want to relive that ever again but i was the biggest mess in the world and ive never felt that way b4 or been so out of control. I was nothing less than a pyscho. (Mary i just remembered that we never finished watching the movie) but yea... friday noone seems to remember, you know what this is stupid if you wanna know what happened all weekend go read marys journal http://livejournal.com/users/hopexyourxhappy lol. Okay so yea. i dont know nikole and andrea came by yesterday and it was hysterical. I really dont know ive been in the biggest gooey mood for so long now that im like used to it and scared of anything else, i think im starting to understand how mary feels... My bestest buddy is pretty upset and it kills me. Im gunna be so sad when the Luie era ends. I dunno im not to the point of crying right now, mary kept me pretty happy tongiht she was so awesome, but im still a lil down in the dumps in general. Day by day? I can never look at it that way. but im pretty tired. The ppl downstairs are moved in, its wierd... Goodnight everyone.
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[27 May 2004|12:26am] |
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"I close my eyes and it's gone again. When will I get the chance to say I love you? I pretend that you're already mine, then my heart won't break everytime I look into your eyes."
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| Sleepy time... |
[26 May 2004|11:42pm] |
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Today was up and down i dont feel like writing b/c im tired so yea. I have an imaginary friend. lol anddd tomaro is going to SUCK. SUCK. SUCK. I know it, i can sense it... lol wierdo.. ok im going. bye...
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| I feel like talking again... |
[26 May 2004|12:57am] |
AlrightI feel madd lonely right now, so im just gunna type whats been going on... maybe itll make me feel like im talking to someone, and therefore i wont feel alone. [wierdo]
Well today was alright... actually it pretty much sucked a lot overall. I woke up feeling alright but i had a little bit of a headache... i figured itd go away b/c it usually does caz i wake up with a little headache quite often.. so w/e i went to school. 1st period "I am Sam"... n my head was pounding... then i was walking to marys 2nd period class and i was like seeing black spots lol my head hurt a lot.. so i was just gunna be like w/e but i realized i had gym and so on the way i was like i cant do this im leaving so i went to the nurse i would have just walked out but i dont think i could have handled the walk... so my mom came and got me, i came home laid down and fell asleep...then at about 11 my mom woke me up and was like "lu told me whats been going on with you wake up were going to the docter" she ment my heart sometimes it just gets all beating fast n it wont stop and its madd annoying and it hurts my chest n shit n i black out its retarted but w/e we went, we waited... and then i told my mom i didnt want her to come it and i made a bigge deal out of it then i had to but i really really felt uncomfortable and i would do it differently if i had the chance bc i think i made her cry and i think ill let her come next time, but i did it and i feel terrible now and it was bad :(:( but w/e the docter said that i def have one of the two forms of tachnycardia itsl ike this dumb heart thing im not supposed to eat any caffine or choclate but i have to go to a cardiologist and find out exaclty and what i have to do for it n shit, but its not bad unless it lasts for a couple hours then i could go into heart failure this whole gay thing i dunno... usually that shit scares the crap out of me.. btu i dunno today i wasnt scared by it at all and usually id be scared as hell to go see the other doc but im fuckin kinda hoping they tell me im gunna die next week or something, and thats rediulis, i know. w/e chances are by the time i have to go ill be terrified, but oh well right. ouch my wrist hurts. ok anyways... i got home and i was really upset i think i cried myself back to sleep and then i dont remebr mary came here we went n got the avril cd and some ib profen thank god thank u mary caz my mom wouldnt bc she was mad at me... i dunno it wasnt as great as i thoguth i have a feeling her next one will be amazing but thats a longggg ways aawya.. but my happy ending, nobodys home, together, and fall to pieces r fucin awesome songs so its all good and i know what ill be listening to tonight...1:08..i gotta go to bed...uhm we went to linas then stoped by jays and then marys house and here then mary went to jays she told me she was coming back round 6 but she didnt come til 7 somehting uh i dunno i was really bored i wanted to just leave cazu was in a bad mood but she wasnt answering her fone so i laid outside on my bench for a while.. we watchedthe rest iof the great gatsby.. lu got pizza, and bla bla bla she went home at 12:30 ui think thats all. Tomaro marys gotta doc app for her toe :(. thurs gher bros award dinner...fri BBQ! holler sat i think mikes house she said jeez then bla bla bla next friday the BIG day so exitec marys mommas birthday!! harrry potter andddd TRE at cbgbs so excited.
anddd im in a bad mood to go to sleep in and it sucks caz i know when i turn the lights out and close my eyes the same thoughts will go through my head as they do every night and it makes me completely miserbale until i can fall asleep. Every mornining i wakek up with this one thing i want to not do and i hate that im such a fuckin sucker i need to stop bc its the only way these horrible nights will end. its making me hate all that is around me. Sleep now, more tomaro. goodnight...
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xillsavemyselfx's journal
